Too Fat for Fendi
My French heritage tells me that I should not be having this discussion in public. But my redneck upbringing says hell with it.
I am packing on the pounds. I think at this point I might be considered slightly overweight. It really breaks my heart because the Joseph Altuzarra for Target collection is coming out on September 14, and though most of the clothes will be available in my size, they won't look the way I want them to. I am too big on top for many of Diane von Furstenberg's famous wrap dresses. Along with what I feel is rather uncontrollable weight gain, I'm having some other issues that I think I need to sort out medically first. Towards the end of the month I go to the doctor for the first time in three years. I'm going to ask for some blood tests to make sure that it's nothing physical. If I'm clear, I know the problems are all in my head, which is where the hard work is.
One of my favorite quotes is from my youngest stepson who at age 13 said to me "We would get along much better if you would just let me do whatever I want". It's a good thing he's cute, otherwise he would be dead by now. I don't think I have to explain to you why that was so funny (and I did laugh, which made the tense situation even worse regrettably) and also why it's so true about everything. If I'm unhappy with exercising and not eating the things that I want to eat, would I be happier at 300 pounds because I did exactly what I want to do? I would certainly be enjoying the food, but that happiness and satisfaction is transient. I really don't care what society thinks of me. I'm too old for that bullcrap. But I do care about what my husband thinks of me. When my husband tells me that I'm beautiful, I really take it very seriously. I believe him, and I wanna be that way for him. I also believe him when he tells me that a certain bathing suit doesn't look as good as it used to. It's hurtful, but I also appreciate his opinion and don't resent him. Honesty always makes me happy. I think it's important for me to be a positive role model to my stepsons and to my grandchildren. I have a granddaughter now, and like my niece before her, I would like to instill in her a healthy body image and attitude about food, exercise and weight. I want to make sure that I'm able to roll around on the floor with my grand kids. The day I was doing somersaults with my grandson on the living room floor was a memorable one. Hanging upside down the swingset with him? Yes, that was a good day too. I looked my best 20 pounds ago, can I get there again? I'm almost 36 now; in our society, that's really not old. I would have to work hard. Is it worth the hard work? That's the rub.
Screw society stereotypes of what a woman should look like. I am not an airbrushed model. I can understand the pressures of Hollywood movie stars. They make their living by looking their best at all times. Even when walking the dog. Work can dry up very quickly in that industry, and the expectation is to have an unsustainable lifestyle that forces them to work. A vicious cycle that I'm glad to be unaffiliated with. I would look like Elle Macpherson if I could afford a personal nutritionist and trainer. Pay me $1 million to take my picture, and I'll reconsider a more aggressive diet. But I'm a landlady. Do I need to be back down to 110 pounds? With so much disease in my family, it would be good for me to ensure that my weight stays down. If I don't, I'm screwed in more ways than in my wardrobe. It always comes down to what my barriers are. Frankly I think my barriers are just laziness. Too many temptations in this western society. I know these are my issues. Could I eat dry lettuce and chicken breast all day every day for the rest of my life? Yes. Would I be happy that way? No. I want to drink good wine by the gallon. I want to eat homemade pasta. Alton Brown's chocolate ice cream recipe made with raw milk is to die for.
I'm supposed to end this with some kind of conclusion or some point to take action on that would be of interest to you. I really don't have one. I'm unsure as to what my next move should be. Do I accept my fate and enjoy life? Do I make a significant lifestyle change just to be able to wear clothes that I really can't afford anyway? I'm going to die of something in the end. I already gave up the cigarettes. I can't give up the iced coffee too. That will kill me faster than the high blood pressure I am almost certain to inherit. What's my real yin and yang? I guess I'm not alone, otherwise everyone would be skinny.
A pretentious and juvenile way to put it I guess would be a personal journey down the fashion runway of life. I know I don't have the energy to wear the 5 inch heels, so I guess I'll just find something that I'm comfortable and confident wearing.
Is it worth spending our lives getting dressed up if at the end of the show we don't get to keep the clothes?